It’s been a great few weeks of catching up with everybody before I go away. Finally, I’ve actually got something in long-format to send out to you all. I’ve been meaning to start this up for a while, but life’s been quite boring up until the last week or so. I’m trying my best to move away from Instagram shit-posting, but as you’ll have noticed, I haven’t yet been able to tame the beast within me that craves public embarrassment. I really feel like social media is just ridiculously addictive at the moment – it has me by my dainty little ankles. That’s a work in progress, so hold me in your thoughts and prayers while I unshackle myself this month. The algorithm gets me like only a few of you horrible little gremlins out there really do, which is a really sad thought – something I hope to change.

Another sad thought is that I’m leaving so many wonderful souls behind for a few months. Yous are all going to be a couple inches taller by the time I’m back at least. I cant wait to say “look how much you’ve grown up!”. For my friends in their 20’s, don’t forget to lube up those fine lines with SPF and take your collagen. If there’s anything I’ve learned from hanging around gays in their mid-to-late-thirties (why are there so many of you?!), it’s that if you don’t like wrinkles, you’ll never be happy. In addition to this, if you are indeed happy, always question yourself: is it because you’ve not taken party drugs in a while? Some good things there to mull over.

Over the next month I plan to be learning Spanish in Antigua, Guatemala. Having had practically no experience learning the language previously, this is a bit of a challenge. Me gusta una challenge though. After that, It’s twink-on-tour in the south American continent. I haven’t really planned any destinations, so I’m super open to recommendations for hikes, expeditions, surfing, climbing, and also construction or horticultural-based Workaways. Send over your recommendations.

I’m currently staying at my my friend’s apartment in New York for a 4 day extended lay-over (thank you Todd!). Here, I’ll be experimenting with sober partying in the evenings, and running a daytime easter-egg hunt for OTC medicines which you can’t get in the UK. I had planned to skate, but it’s been snowy and everything’s a little wet and sloppy.

Arriving in the U.S. was a nuts experience, and I’ve never been searched so thoroughly at an airport. Border control seems oblivious to Fick’s laws of diffusion – conditions inside the country are already more fucked than almost anywhere else. Good energy has to be absolutely flooding into the U.S. at its borders, so take a chill pill on the pat-downs and paperwork I beg! It’s not doing you any favours holding out the vibes.

On my way through customs, I was asked for my passport by a broad-set man with a beard. He could tell he had made me nervous by the way fumbled for my plastic photo page, so he called me off to the side for his little power trip. Turns out he was ex-military, so we had the usual military wanker chat, and we spoke about some of the gear I had with me. The guy zipped open every bag I had, commenting on my immaculate packing hygiene. Praise kink ✅.

The man then asked who I was staying with. “My friend, Todd”, I replied.

After looking me dead in the eyes, he reached further into my bag with a gloved hand to pull out the douche I threw in last-minute. “Is this friend… your boyfriend?”

Girls, I could’ve died there and then. Kill me, knock me unconscious – he’s squeezing air out of it like it’s one of those vintage car horns!

Turning a sweaty red and beating my eyelashes, I told him Todd is not my boyfriend, and that I was just packing for all possible circumstances. To this, he laughed, and informed me that lads smuggling drugs often pack these to help them on the other side.

I tell you, if I had a condom of Eccies up there, all I need is one Costa Coffee and they’re delivered. A very short labour – no equipment required.

Having finally disarmed me, embarrassed me, and pulled the entrails of my luggage across his examining table, he left me to re-pack and be on my way. I know this type of man, who targets vulnerable gays to make them squirm for a living. School-child behavior. This was not his first rodeo, and I’ll be ready to double-bluff next time I get to the border. Adding condoms, 60 eccies and a Costa Coffee gift card to my NYC Easter-egg hunt.

I’ll be quite busy for the next week or so, but hoping to update you all in the next 10 days with photos and updates about how things are going. While I’m doing that, I’d really appreciate some help completing my bingo card layout for the next year. I went for dinner with my sister and parents the other night and we made a good shot at it, but there are still gaps. Send in your suggestions.

Also a little bit about a new read this week – I’ve’ been reading Blessings by Chukwuebuka Ibeh.

The story depticts the coming of age of a young gay man in a changing and dangerous post-military Nigeria (Mid 2000’s). After decades of military rule, Nigeria’s return to democracy brought a tightening of the region’s already deadly anti-LGBTQ+ laws. At the same time, Chukwuebuka’s hometown, Port Harcourt, experienced the worst of a disturbing period of violent unrest felt by the entire country.

This is Chukwuebuka’s debut book, and at the age of 25 he nestles his story into the complex landscape of his formative years as if it’s his natural born gift. It’s nuts to think that some of us out here can’t even make our beds in the morning and he’s out here moving like this.

Anyhow. Would reccomend. I haven’t finished it yet, so no spoilers please.

Lots of love,

Tom